More Exorfun!

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Platitude Platypus - 001

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Breakfast Cereals I Want to Eat

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5 Movies I'd Like to See

Dear Hollywood:

As you become more and more sapped for new movie ideas, I offer this to you: Five movies that I (and I believe millions of others) would like to see…

1) A remake of The Godfather
C'mon Hollywood, you've remade, rebooted, reimagined, and reengineered every other noteworthy (and not) previous work of singular creativity (whether you've changed the title or not). You've been trolling the creative waters of the past 40 years and what has it got you? Countless "Predator" sequels, prequels and WTFquels , three Batman reboots, two King Kong remakes, and a Willy Wonka re-imagining. It's time to head out to the deep waters where you can catch the big one, the Moby Dick of all remakes.

2) Another movie that's a third generation version on the Broadway musical version of itself that was in turn originally based on the same movie to begin with before it was that musical (e.g. The Producers, Hairspray, The Wiz, etc.).

3) A stop motion puppet version of The Exorcist
You know, shit like "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and "Nestor, the Long-eared Donkey." NO computer animation crap. Using the actual, complete soundtrack of the 1973 classic film, this would be a scene-by-scene, shot-by-shot, frame-by-frame EXACT reenactment of the entire film with every offensive, disgusting scene - acted out with little puppet dolls in little puppet doll house sets. It's all here: the fitly, disgusting language, the projectile vomiting, the kid pissing on the carpet, even the crucifix masturbation scene. ESPECIALLY the death the crucifix masturbation scene. Uncensored, uncut, unfreakin'believable.

4) A Movie About the Phone Book
Everyone's always saying it: "He's so good, I'd watch him inna movie about the phone book," "She's such a good actor, she could read the phonebook," "That director is so inventive she/he could shoot the phone book." Okay. So let's see it.

5) Rent-A-Zombie
Thirteen zombies have risen from their graves. Not the stereotypical flesh-eating ghouls, these docile zombies are met with discrimination and violence, prohibiting them from re-entering society – until an entrepreneur sees a profitable venture in the recreational rental of the living dead.

MORONS IN THE NEWS!

US Tourists Caught With Human Skulls in Greece

(Sept. 17) -- Greek police have charged two American tourists with desecrating the dead after they were caught at the Athens airport with six human skulls in their hand luggage.
Wouldn't it be their "head luggage?"

"The skulls were found in a scanner check during a stop-over in Athens on their way back to the United States," a police official told Reuters. "The coroner confirmed they were human skulls."
I would LOVE to have a still-cap of that scanner screen.

The tourists told police they'd bought the skulls at a souvenir shop on the Greek island of Mykonos and thought they were fakes.
Yeah, I'm sure these two morons are the victims a prankster shop owner, selling skeletal remains at the low-low price of fake novelty skulls... Of course, there is also the question begging to be asked: Where in the hell did this shop owner get human skulls?

They were charged Thursday and then released pending a trial. The tourists were identified as young men but were not named.
I'll name them: "Mor" and "On." Their arrests were reported by several news outlets.

"They bought them ahead of Halloween to decorate their homes.
Who are they -- Barnabas Collins? What else do these morons buy for "decoration" -- human kidneys in an Igloo cooler?

Both tourists were then released and took a flight back to the U.S.," another policeman told CNN.
ATTENTION MORON TOURISTS --- FYI: You can also buy fake skulls for Halloween in the seasonal isle at Rite-Aid.

It's unclear where the skulls came from.
Uh, I think I know.. maybe from atop the neck of a person? Whaddya think?

That ain't all this guy needs.

My Favorite Job Posting Of ALL TIME

Of course, your first question will be: "What the hell were you searching for that returned this job in the results?" Retail. That's the first thing I love about this want ad: you could be looking for a job at Starbucks and this opportunity presents itself as an alternative option...

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START NOW!! Retail Sales-Gay Clientele-NIGHT SHIFT!!
Reply to: job-257477348@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-01-04, 8:24AM

$10/hour to start with raise and free medical insurance after 90 days.

Full-time, 6pm-2:30am, Saturday-Wednesday. The world-famous Nob Hill Adult Theatre has been a male strip club and porn arcade for 38 years! Ideal candidate will be friendly and outgoing with people. Must be comfortable with nudity, gay porn and a sexual atmosphere, cash handling and light janitorial. APPLY IN PERSON w/RESUME IN HAND for priority consideration at the Theatre: 729 Bush Street @Powell.

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/csr/257477348.html
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After reading this posting many times, I'm still not exactly sure what the job actually is.

There's something about nudity, gay porn, sexual atmosphere, and cash handling. Okay, so I'm forming a mental picture here, but then it tacks on that bit about light janitorial (???). Is what I'm cleaning up somehow related to what I was handling cash for? And is what I was handling cash for related to the nudity, gay porn, and sexual atmosphere?

Personally, I am comfortable with nudity, gay porn, and a sexual atmosphere, cash handling HOWEVER, light janitorial is out of the question. I have no problem with Reach-Around Cinema, but I have a college degree, I don't do windows.

I will say thoug, it's a nice perk to have medical insurance (which I guess isn't really a perk if you're working on "Nob Hill").

And finally, what's with that part about applying w/RESUME IN HAND (all caps) for "priority consideration?"

Resume "IN HAND?" What is this ad -- a script for one of the movies they're showing there?